License to love. And KILL.

Q: I dated this gentleman for a few months in 2006. We broke up because I wanted more than he would give. He came back, and the first couple weeks were great.

Then he went back to his old ways: Only calling once a week or not at all. I finally decided to break it off. He e-mailed me and said I was being hasty, so I said I would try again, but he had to be around and pay more attention to me.

He wasn't sure if he could follow through, and we made plans to meet the following Saturday. It has been four weeks since that conversation. I haven't heard from him.

-T

A: Oh this one's easy. He's James Bond.

All the pieces fit. He's sometimes unreachable for more than a week and he can't commit to you. Don't feel bad. Many women have been unable to tame the gale force sex winds named James Bond.

On that following Saturday you're referring to, your boyfriend was in the depths of a super villain's lair where he was tortured with bamboo splints and thrown into a pool of electric snapping turtles. (Yes they do exist but only in the minds of those who truly believe) He has been wading there patiently, having killed all the turtles with his toe knuckles, pretending to be bitten and electrocuted. Eventually, he'll use the function on his bowtie that turns it into helicopter and fly himself to safety, but not before he saves the mysteriously voluptuous Gina Wide. He will then have sex with her. In the ass.

I can't believe you are sitting here complaining about his commitment while he's off in Kim Jong Il's Horror Den being attacked by snapping turtles that also have the ability to shock people. You're so selfish it's unbelievable.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny