I know a song by Don Henley and Bruce Hornsby called "End of Innocence." That was probably based on the events that are about to unfold.

Q: I met someone online a few months ago, and we both decided to turn this into a serious relationship. He has even told me he wants to make me his wife and take care of my three kids like they were his own.

We have talked of having more children, and that I wouldn't have to convert to his religeon because I am not comfortable with doing that.

He has told me that he is working, that his family knows of me and the children. He asks me about my family all the time, and tells me of his when I ask. I don't see myself with anyone else. Do you think I am feeling it right? I don't want to be in another relationship or marriage like my last one!
-Bewildered in love

A: Molester.

This guy is a top shelf, no-nonsense, professional molester. You met him online so that should be your first tip off. I mean if you met him in the change room at a swimming pool or maybe hanging around outside the school on parent teacher night, then this could kinda be alright. However, the dark, sinister cover of the internet is just suspicious.

This guy loves kids. More specifically: Your kids. I don't know how else to put it. You should, under no circumstances, convert to his religion. Since when is NAMBLA a religion anyways?

He tells his family about your kids so often because he most likely comes from a long line of professional molesters whom I will refer to henceforth as: Prolesters. Your man and his fellow prolesters are devising the most efficient plan of molestation. They're literally drawing up blueprints that will eventually aide them in inappropriately handling your children. They have a Risk board and they have designated the canons as their penises and the little infantry men denote your kids. The penis canons are moving over Ural and closing in on your kidfantry. I've seen this before. I know what I'm talking about. I bet if you were to sneak into his study, you could yank a candlestick which would engage a revolving bookcase that reveals schematics of superman undies and local playgrounds. There may or may not be candy.

Get out. Just get the hell out right now before it's too late. Once he has prolested your kids, they too will become prolesters. It works in very much the same way as vampires.

Warmest regards,
-Donny