How to Combine Maple Syrup and NASCAR

Q: I'm 23 years old. I found a new special someone a couple months back after ending a bad relationship months before. We met online and I feel we share a positive connection.

We are always talking via instant messaging, phone, or video chat, and we really seem to click. The only problem we share is the distance between us, as I live in Canada and he lives in the U.S.

We have talked endlessly about visiting each other but due to financial constrictions we have been unable to commit to a date. Do you see us ever being able to meet eachother?

(originally printed in 24 newspaper.)

A: How long is he going to be in prison for?

Oh, it just occurred to me that you probably don't realize this guy is in jail right now. Perhaps I'm wrong (doubt it), but let's perform a fun test just to be sure. Answer these questions for me as honestly as possible...

1. Do all of the images he sends you seem to be super imposed on the same sunny beach back drop?

2. When you have video chats, if you focus on what's going on hard enough, can you see a larger man standing in the background having anal sex with him?

3. Is his Nazi symbol tattoo on the right or left side of his cheekbone?

4. When discussing the "financial constrictions" regarding seeing eachother, does he talk in terms of dollars and cents; or rifles and attack dogs?

5. When having cyber sex, how many times does he ask you to "be more conjugal?"

If you answered yes to all of these questions, you stopped listening after question 2. I'm am totally unsurprised that your last boyfriend cheated on you, and your current one raped a transient and got caught.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny