There are a number of reasons you two should be together. If I had to guess, I'd say, oh I dunno...69.

Q: I'm a 21-year-old lesbian. After coming out, I've fallen in love twice, but it has ended up with me not expressing my feelings and the other person getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Last month, I met this girl, and I feel we have a connection, but my friends tell me she's just playing around.

She went back to her country for two months and will be coming back this month. Will I ever have a chance with her?

A: Your hot piece of immigrant tail probably is fucking around. I know how these lesbians work as I spend most of my time day dreaming about them. First they disrobe while looking at you all sexy and serious at the same time. Then they get real oily; like fucking SLICK. Then they crush bananas between their hands and smush it all over you and them and then they have whipped cream. Yeah, a ton of whipped cream but not Cool Whip because that's not fun enough. They have the one that sprays all over the place like a penis...you know what I lost my train of thought.

The only way I can accurately determine if you two are meant to be together is if I see you in person...69ing eachother. So if you're ever in DeKalb, swing on by. I'll make dyke donuts and lesbian brownies. Trust me, it will be a gay old time.

Warmest regards,
-Donny.

Italian Guy: "My wife fucked me up."

Q: I have been married twice now; the first marriage I left in 1983 after I had enough of the physical and mental abuse.

I married for the second time; my wife would constantly abuse me mentally and once used a knife and cut my right arm.

When married, I was bringing home fantastic money running my own company, yet I would hear that I was useless and a terrible lover. In 2001, we parted ways, and yes, she did get everything and more.

I find myself staying away from all females, but I would like to have someone special in my life.

Even though there's been no contact for seven years, I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares.

Contacting her is out of the question as there is a "no contact order" in place and I no longer know where she is. Do you see the nightmares coming to an end soon?

A:. Nightmares? Are you fucking serious? That's the least of your problems.

I'm unsure of where to even begin. First thing's mother fucking last as Harvey Keitel in "Pulp Fiction" would say. Why would you even mention that you cannot contact a woman who cut your arm with a knife then took not only everything you have, but more? The fact that you even said anything about it indicates that you somehow wish you could reunite with this sick maniac of a bitch. This either means you are a delusional psycho, or there's two sides to this story and the second side is that you were like 10 times more abusive towards her and most likely cheated on her. This starting to sound more realistic? I bet it is.

I'll take a guess: you're Italian? ...Probably.

Let's circle back to the "she did get everything and more" statement. Are you mentally retarded? How on earth could anyone go to court, sue their husband, then casually walk off with everything AND MORE? Was she represented by the hellish ghost of Johnny Cochrane?

Okay now let's transition into the "terrible lover" statement. As I touched on before, you probably appeared to be a terrible lover because you were too busy cheating on her all the time. Often you would come home too tired to put in some sexy work. Am I right? Or maybe you didn't cheat and you're just horrible in the sack. Stubby penis? Spaghetti strap penis? No penis at all? A big, gaping, ruffled vagina where your dick should be? ...Probably.

Just continue to stay away from females. Get a dog or a pony or something. You're fucking pathetic. If you were here right now, I'd use a knife and cut your right arm.

Warmest regards,
-Donny.

It's that fucking mole on your back, jesus.

Q: I met this guy and I began to feel he was the guy of my dreams.

This wonderful guy broke it off at the beginning of last August saying he didn't want a relationship right now, and we didn't see eachother enough.

A: Um is that a question? I don't see any question marks in there. Perhaps you aren't comprehending this process we have going on here.

As for your statement, this man contradicts himself more than Tupac Shakur. He doesn't want a relationship right now AND he doesn't think you saw eachother enough? This guy is playing blind break up darts, the fun game where you throw a shit load of excuses at a wall blindly and hope one of them hits its mark.

I think it's fairly obvious that he discovered that green mole on your back and was so revolted that he had to end his relationship with your life immediately. What the fuck is that thing anyways?

Warmest regards,
-Donny

License to love. And KILL.

Q: I dated this gentleman for a few months in 2006. We broke up because I wanted more than he would give. He came back, and the first couple weeks were great.

Then he went back to his old ways: Only calling once a week or not at all. I finally decided to break it off. He e-mailed me and said I was being hasty, so I said I would try again, but he had to be around and pay more attention to me.

He wasn't sure if he could follow through, and we made plans to meet the following Saturday. It has been four weeks since that conversation. I haven't heard from him.

-T

A: Oh this one's easy. He's James Bond.

All the pieces fit. He's sometimes unreachable for more than a week and he can't commit to you. Don't feel bad. Many women have been unable to tame the gale force sex winds named James Bond.

On that following Saturday you're referring to, your boyfriend was in the depths of a super villain's lair where he was tortured with bamboo splints and thrown into a pool of electric snapping turtles. (Yes they do exist but only in the minds of those who truly believe) He has been wading there patiently, having killed all the turtles with his toe knuckles, pretending to be bitten and electrocuted. Eventually, he'll use the function on his bowtie that turns it into helicopter and fly himself to safety, but not before he saves the mysteriously voluptuous Gina Wide. He will then have sex with her. In the ass.

I can't believe you are sitting here complaining about his commitment while he's off in Kim Jong Il's Horror Den being attacked by snapping turtles that also have the ability to shock people. You're so selfish it's unbelievable.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny

I know a song by Don Henley and Bruce Hornsby called "End of Innocence." That was probably based on the events that are about to unfold.

Q: I met someone online a few months ago, and we both decided to turn this into a serious relationship. He has even told me he wants to make me his wife and take care of my three kids like they were his own.

We have talked of having more children, and that I wouldn't have to convert to his religeon because I am not comfortable with doing that.

He has told me that he is working, that his family knows of me and the children. He asks me about my family all the time, and tells me of his when I ask. I don't see myself with anyone else. Do you think I am feeling it right? I don't want to be in another relationship or marriage like my last one!
-Bewildered in love

A: Molester.

This guy is a top shelf, no-nonsense, professional molester. You met him online so that should be your first tip off. I mean if you met him in the change room at a swimming pool or maybe hanging around outside the school on parent teacher night, then this could kinda be alright. However, the dark, sinister cover of the internet is just suspicious.

This guy loves kids. More specifically: Your kids. I don't know how else to put it. You should, under no circumstances, convert to his religion. Since when is NAMBLA a religion anyways?

He tells his family about your kids so often because he most likely comes from a long line of professional molesters whom I will refer to henceforth as: Prolesters. Your man and his fellow prolesters are devising the most efficient plan of molestation. They're literally drawing up blueprints that will eventually aide them in inappropriately handling your children. They have a Risk board and they have designated the canons as their penises and the little infantry men denote your kids. The penis canons are moving over Ural and closing in on your kidfantry. I've seen this before. I know what I'm talking about. I bet if you were to sneak into his study, you could yank a candlestick which would engage a revolving bookcase that reveals schematics of superman undies and local playgrounds. There may or may not be candy.

Get out. Just get the hell out right now before it's too late. Once he has prolested your kids, they too will become prolesters. It works in very much the same way as vampires.

Warmest regards,
-Donny

How to Combine Maple Syrup and NASCAR

Q: I'm 23 years old. I found a new special someone a couple months back after ending a bad relationship months before. We met online and I feel we share a positive connection.

We are always talking via instant messaging, phone, or video chat, and we really seem to click. The only problem we share is the distance between us, as I live in Canada and he lives in the U.S.

We have talked endlessly about visiting each other but due to financial constrictions we have been unable to commit to a date. Do you see us ever being able to meet eachother?

(originally printed in 24 newspaper.)

A: How long is he going to be in prison for?

Oh, it just occurred to me that you probably don't realize this guy is in jail right now. Perhaps I'm wrong (doubt it), but let's perform a fun test just to be sure. Answer these questions for me as honestly as possible...

1. Do all of the images he sends you seem to be super imposed on the same sunny beach back drop?

2. When you have video chats, if you focus on what's going on hard enough, can you see a larger man standing in the background having anal sex with him?

3. Is his Nazi symbol tattoo on the right or left side of his cheekbone?

4. When discussing the "financial constrictions" regarding seeing eachother, does he talk in terms of dollars and cents; or rifles and attack dogs?

5. When having cyber sex, how many times does he ask you to "be more conjugal?"

If you answered yes to all of these questions, you stopped listening after question 2. I'm am totally unsurprised that your last boyfriend cheated on you, and your current one raped a transient and got caught.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny

Arranged Marriages: Always Destined to Work Out, Never Fail

Q: I've been married for 17 years. It was an arranged marriage, and I was very happy.

The last year I've been observing a change in my husband. He's making every excuse and going to another city. I recently found out that he's seeing his ex-girlfriend. They both are cheating on their spouses.

I've confronted both of them, and she promised that she will not see him again, and I should not tell her husband.

What should I do at this point, leave him?

I have two young kids from him, and our lives will be messed up big time.

He's very smart and plays mind games with me. I'm suffering a big depression right now. My thoughts are very revengeful right now, and I have given him a chance, but I still feel he's deceiving me.
-M
(originally printed in 24 Newspaper)

A: This is something that your parents should have thought about before commanding the lives of their children in order to obtain vast amounts of grain, livestock, and fragrances.

Your husband cheats on you because he never loved you in the first place. He was forced to marry you by his maniacal parents. The foundation of your marriage is no more solid than that of a school kid marriage with a shotgun on the groom's head and a baby in the bride's gut.

This is good arranged marriage training for your two young kids. Look at it that way. They now know what to come to expect when they are forced into a sexless marriage in 5 or 6 years.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny