How to Combine Maple Syrup and NASCAR

Q: I'm 23 years old. I found a new special someone a couple months back after ending a bad relationship months before. We met online and I feel we share a positive connection.

We are always talking via instant messaging, phone, or video chat, and we really seem to click. The only problem we share is the distance between us, as I live in Canada and he lives in the U.S.

We have talked endlessly about visiting each other but due to financial constrictions we have been unable to commit to a date. Do you see us ever being able to meet eachother?

(originally printed in 24 newspaper.)

A: How long is he going to be in prison for?

Oh, it just occurred to me that you probably don't realize this guy is in jail right now. Perhaps I'm wrong (doubt it), but let's perform a fun test just to be sure. Answer these questions for me as honestly as possible...

1. Do all of the images he sends you seem to be super imposed on the same sunny beach back drop?

2. When you have video chats, if you focus on what's going on hard enough, can you see a larger man standing in the background having anal sex with him?

3. Is his Nazi symbol tattoo on the right or left side of his cheekbone?

4. When discussing the "financial constrictions" regarding seeing eachother, does he talk in terms of dollars and cents; or rifles and attack dogs?

5. When having cyber sex, how many times does he ask you to "be more conjugal?"

If you answered yes to all of these questions, you stopped listening after question 2. I'm am totally unsurprised that your last boyfriend cheated on you, and your current one raped a transient and got caught.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny

Arranged Marriages: Always Destined to Work Out, Never Fail

Q: I've been married for 17 years. It was an arranged marriage, and I was very happy.

The last year I've been observing a change in my husband. He's making every excuse and going to another city. I recently found out that he's seeing his ex-girlfriend. They both are cheating on their spouses.

I've confronted both of them, and she promised that she will not see him again, and I should not tell her husband.

What should I do at this point, leave him?

I have two young kids from him, and our lives will be messed up big time.

He's very smart and plays mind games with me. I'm suffering a big depression right now. My thoughts are very revengeful right now, and I have given him a chance, but I still feel he's deceiving me.
-M
(originally printed in 24 Newspaper)

A: This is something that your parents should have thought about before commanding the lives of their children in order to obtain vast amounts of grain, livestock, and fragrances.

Your husband cheats on you because he never loved you in the first place. He was forced to marry you by his maniacal parents. The foundation of your marriage is no more solid than that of a school kid marriage with a shotgun on the groom's head and a baby in the bride's gut.

This is good arranged marriage training for your two young kids. Look at it that way. They now know what to come to expect when they are forced into a sexless marriage in 5 or 6 years.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny