Italian Guy: "My wife fucked me up."

Q: I have been married twice now; the first marriage I left in 1983 after I had enough of the physical and mental abuse.

I married for the second time; my wife would constantly abuse me mentally and once used a knife and cut my right arm.

When married, I was bringing home fantastic money running my own company, yet I would hear that I was useless and a terrible lover. In 2001, we parted ways, and yes, she did get everything and more.

I find myself staying away from all females, but I would like to have someone special in my life.

Even though there's been no contact for seven years, I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares.

Contacting her is out of the question as there is a "no contact order" in place and I no longer know where she is. Do you see the nightmares coming to an end soon?

A:. Nightmares? Are you fucking serious? That's the least of your problems.

I'm unsure of where to even begin. First thing's mother fucking last as Harvey Keitel in "Pulp Fiction" would say. Why would you even mention that you cannot contact a woman who cut your arm with a knife then took not only everything you have, but more? The fact that you even said anything about it indicates that you somehow wish you could reunite with this sick maniac of a bitch. This either means you are a delusional psycho, or there's two sides to this story and the second side is that you were like 10 times more abusive towards her and most likely cheated on her. This starting to sound more realistic? I bet it is.

I'll take a guess: you're Italian? ...Probably.

Let's circle back to the "she did get everything and more" statement. Are you mentally retarded? How on earth could anyone go to court, sue their husband, then casually walk off with everything AND MORE? Was she represented by the hellish ghost of Johnny Cochrane?

Okay now let's transition into the "terrible lover" statement. As I touched on before, you probably appeared to be a terrible lover because you were too busy cheating on her all the time. Often you would come home too tired to put in some sexy work. Am I right? Or maybe you didn't cheat and you're just horrible in the sack. Stubby penis? Spaghetti strap penis? No penis at all? A big, gaping, ruffled vagina where your dick should be? ...Probably.

Just continue to stay away from females. Get a dog or a pony or something. You're fucking pathetic. If you were here right now, I'd use a knife and cut your right arm.

Warmest regards,
-Donny.

Arranged Marriages: Always Destined to Work Out, Never Fail

Q: I've been married for 17 years. It was an arranged marriage, and I was very happy.

The last year I've been observing a change in my husband. He's making every excuse and going to another city. I recently found out that he's seeing his ex-girlfriend. They both are cheating on their spouses.

I've confronted both of them, and she promised that she will not see him again, and I should not tell her husband.

What should I do at this point, leave him?

I have two young kids from him, and our lives will be messed up big time.

He's very smart and plays mind games with me. I'm suffering a big depression right now. My thoughts are very revengeful right now, and I have given him a chance, but I still feel he's deceiving me.
-M
(originally printed in 24 Newspaper)

A: This is something that your parents should have thought about before commanding the lives of their children in order to obtain vast amounts of grain, livestock, and fragrances.

Your husband cheats on you because he never loved you in the first place. He was forced to marry you by his maniacal parents. The foundation of your marriage is no more solid than that of a school kid marriage with a shotgun on the groom's head and a baby in the bride's gut.

This is good arranged marriage training for your two young kids. Look at it that way. They now know what to come to expect when they are forced into a sexless marriage in 5 or 6 years.

Warmest Regards,
-Donny